So here’s the aforementioned dream mentioned in Part 1. Let me first remind all you voyeurs and judgemental keyboard warriors that we ALL have a past and that includes some pretty heavy duty relationships. Yeah I’m talkin’ to you too. Same same.
My boyfriend and I met online, in an internet radio chat room when I was doing a weekly live show. When we decided it was the real deal, I moved in with him in Brooklyn, via a bus from Texas. (had to be right?!) Radio was his thing (and still is) for years and internet radio was my thing so hey it was a match. So 14 years and other challenges later, here’s the dream I talked myself out of paying attention to for what I thought were obvious reasons at the time. (Not the first time this has happened I might add.)
December 2016: I dreamed that my boyfriend told me that he had decided he was still in love with his girlfriend from the wayback machine of his life. That’s the only part of the dream that matters. The rest of it is just scenery.
Now he and I both have a list of people that just weren’t in our lives anymore because life happened. No need for details here. We used to talk about how we were good with that, that life moves on, and the past needs to stay where it belongs anyway. We were both happy to play with each other and online and the rest of the world could piss off. Since I worked at home online, nothing odd about that. We didn’t need anyone else but each other and the cats, is what we said on a regular basis. If we had a club house, the sign would have read “NO DUMBASSES ALLOWED”. You get it. So back to the dream; fiction…nahhh that wouldn’t happen.
I don’t even remember exactly when during December it was, but my boyfriend got an email from a guy friend from his past that he was particularly close to. Glad to have found him, he sent a short email to see if he wanted to reconnect, but also happened to ask a question about someone they both knew from the wayback machine; you guessed it, the old love interest.
My boyfriend has always been very honest with me, even if it takes longer sometimes, lol So we read this, looked at each other and wondered why after all these years, this friend wondered what had happened between the two of them (my boyfriend and ****) before and why. Huh? Who even cares? I knew about their past and recalled all the times he mentioned how over it was and how he was actually relieved things worked out as they did. We were perplexed. This is the point where it would all begin to look more like The Twilight Zone than the life I thought I had. I won’t go into the entire day by day or week by week or what turned out to be month by month saga, but if you want, you can start here and listen to him tell it. I won’t do it justice. Suffice it to say, that entire time while I thought I was trying to be supportive during this particular show, I really felt like I was melting into a pool of blood into the carpet.
He and Lisa began to message each other. All above board, he let me read their conversations. Some of them anyway. She had made a couple comments that any woman, including me, would take to mean she was holding back her real feelings. This is when I knew this wasn’t going away. We were dealing with ALOT at the time anyway. Aside from my new heart condition, we were both learning about life with a bi-polar mixed feature diagnosis (his). I thought he was turning into someone I didn’t recognize anymore, so we had quite a few fights that mainly came from my insecurity about what I perceived was happening between them, which came from what he calls “daddy issues”, divorce and my mom’s suicide years before. Yep, there’s the stuff I mentioned in Part 1, some of it anyway; and his efforts to adjust to different medications, be emotionally distant, and very defensive of anything I had to say about conversations with ‘her’ and my obvious new trust issues with him. I felt like everything I thought I had, became a lie, and was blowing up in front of my eyes, with nothing I could do about it. I had no where to run to for once in my life. Which at the time was probably good because if I had had other options at the time, that’s exactly what I would have done, run away. I’d done it before in my own wayback machine. I was angry at everyone and everything and I didn’t care who knew it. I deserved better and I knew it.
Longer story a bit shorter than you all might like, he has been in counseling for a good while. We agreed that I would also benefit because now, more than a couple months into this situation that still wasn’t ‘over’, I knew I needed help or I’d just leave or check out like my mom did. I’d had enough. I gave up. No more fight left in me, no point, no plans, no thanks. A lifetime of what we both called ‘cumulative effect’ had to end. Having experienced a father who left me and my mom for another woman who was supposed to be a ‘friend’ pretty much set me up for life to be unable to trust what I was hearing and seeing now as being ‘above board’. I couldn’t understand (and still don’t) how anyone can defend someone as being a ‘good person’ who knowingly behaves in a way that would be very hurtful to her own husband and ME just because the two people involved were saying “oh its ok” and pretending the whole time to CARE about the feelings of others while this ‘friendship’ continued anyway?! Good person my ass. Its funny what people justify when they’re too deluded and weak to tell the truth to themselves even if they can’t tell anyone else.
About a month ago, I’m no good at timelines, we were talking about the whole thing and out of the blue he just blurted out, “You know I’m in love with her right?” So matter of factly that I had to ask him to repeat it, since he’d denied it was the case so often.
He got to the point where he wished he had never pursued communication with her, deciding that he in fact is not in love with her but was romanticizing the past, but not until after he’d had a few conversations with his counselor about this.
I reconnected with a long lost cousin in Texas who had been trying to find me for years. I now have a family I thought I lost and a place to go if need be. We are both in counseling separately. No commitment relationship-wise has been made other than to take it a day at a time. I’m working hard as well to be less depressed and focus on “just being”, moving forward, working more.
I do not feel ‘safe’ enough or secure enough yet to say “whew everything’s ok now” because I’m still NOT ok. But I’m working on it.
And THAT is my plan. I blogged about all of this for two reasons: I wanted to, and what I want you to take away from all of this is not just where the hell I’ve been for months, but that yeah, my counselor has helped me realize that I don’t need to feel like a hypocrite, that I am and still can be an inspiration to all the people I care about and work with.
So lets get to it shall we?:)